Cartoon Strip of the day
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"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine" (Proverbs 17:22)
David worked in a package-processing center. One day, a co-worker was trapped in a small rest room by a faulty lock.
When he was finally discovered, David and another worker were able to open the door with some difficulty. The lock was still jammed, so they blocked the door open while a maintenance worker was called.
A bit later, David noticed the door was closed again. He jiggled the doorknob and a voice from inside called, "Get me out!"
"Don't worry," David replied, "maintenance should be sending somebody."
"They did," said the voice.
A father was looking through his old 45 RPM records when his daughter asked what they were. The father explained that back in the 1960s before CDs were invented, this was how they listened to music. He explained how all the bands issued singles on these "45s," and radio stations would rate the top 40 songs every week.
She was quite impressed as her dad continued describing how one used a phonograph to play them. He burst out laughing when she asked -- perfectly straight faced -- "Daddy, how many megs of RAM does one of these hold?"
During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away. Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits."
"I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance."
You will be stuck with your debt if
you can't learn to budge it.
"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until
I learned that most people die of natural causes."
PREGNANCY Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air
current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my
wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from
childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and
act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
Job Opening: Parent
Job Description: Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! (Travel expenses not reimbursed.) Extensive chauffeur and courier duties also required.
Skills: Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs money. Extraordinary physical stamina and quick reflexes are preferred. (In case, this time, the emergency is really an emergency). Candidates should have the ability to handle gadget repair and mysterious plumbing problems. Organization skills to include maintaining calendars and coordinating homework project production or baked goods production at a moment’s notice. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, and invisible the next. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Possibility for Advancement & Promotion: None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
Wages & Compensation: None! You pay them! A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left.
Benefits: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.
'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker
that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
From a Child's Perspective
A young girl of 4 was told she needed an X-ray after an accident. Her mother tried to calm her down, but she was still nervous when the time came for the X-Ray. When she came out of the X-ray room, however, she seemed relaxed and just fine. "They took a picture of my bones." she told her mother.
"Yes, dear," replied the mother. "Did everything go all right?"
"Yeah," said the girl. "It was great! I didn't even have to take my skin off, or anything!"
Pearls of Wisdom
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail and not his tongue.
Children are natural mimics - they act like us in spite of all our attempts to teach them good manners.
For New Parents
“DIAPER spelled backward is REPAID - Think about it…”
The Dieter's Prayer
Lord, grant me the strength, That I may not fall,
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
The road to hell is paved with butter, Cake is cursed, cream is awful, And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop, Lucifer is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of Hollandaise, Of pasta and mayonnaise,
And crisp fried chicken from the South.
If you love me, Lord, shut my mouth
Tips for a Biblical Marriage
• Keep God FIRST! (Exodus 20:3; Matthew 6:33)
• Pray together and for each other (1 Timothy 2:1)
• Make decisions together. (Ephesians 5:21)
• Respect and honor each other! (1 Peter 3:6-7; Romans 12:10; Ephesians 4:29; Philippians 2:3; Colossians 4:6; Malachi 2:15)
• Encourage each other to grow together! (Hebrews 3:13; 1 Thessalonians 5:11)
• Read the Bible together as much as possible! (1 Timothy 4:16; 2 Timothy 2:15; 2 Timothy 4:14-16)
• Be swift to hear & slow to speak! (James 1:19)
• Practice forgiveness. (Matthew 6:14-15; Luke 6:37)
• Make time to communicate with each other! (Malachi 2:15; 1 Corinthians 7:5; Ephesians 5:19)
• Make time for romance and dating. (1 Corinthians 7:33-34; Ecclesiastes 9:9)
• Protect and honor your marriage vows! (Proverbs 5:15-21)
• Do not let others come between your marriage! (Genesis 2:24; Matthew 19:5-6)
• Thank God everyday for your mate and the Life you have together! (1 Thessalonians 5:18)
• Understand that love is a choice, not a feeling and choose everyday to love your spouse (Ephesians 5:25-33)
“Evangelicals who attend church regularly divorce at a rate 35 percent lower than secular couples.” -W. Bradford Wilcox1
1 2006. “The Cultural Contradictions of Mainline Family Ideology and Practice.” In American Religions and the Family, edited by Don Browning and David Clairmont. New York: Columbia University Press.
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